You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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