think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
