well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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