just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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