I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
