I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
