I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
