Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm passing your future prison.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
