I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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