for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
