Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
