woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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