it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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