I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
