why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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