Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
