So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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