Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
