I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
