Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
