So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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