I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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