Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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