He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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