I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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