i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
