I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
