Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
