my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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