I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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