I just pynch a tree in the face
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
