so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
