I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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