I cannot find my penis.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
