If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
