Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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