i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
