So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
