have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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