How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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