I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
