I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
