I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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