you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
