he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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