I hope mine doesn't look like that
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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