I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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