This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
