I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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