WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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