Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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