Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
