I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so let's talk penis.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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