I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
