I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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