I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
